Want to marry me? Askoldovna for women
“I know how to behave with men. I know all the tricks and chips. I can feel them intuitively: how to see how to remove a strand of hair from the face, to put the foot on the leg. I know that men need praise, they love compliments. Know what they need to feed, they love it too. I did it all! But why it’s not working?! Why they disappear and don’t go for serious relationship? I’m doing everything right! What’s wrong with me? Or are they all some kind of …?!”
Is a generalized cry of the soul, which I have heard from many women of different ages.
And the question , “what who?” there they not only entering into relationships. Not only when relationships are missing, and a woman committed to them, going through various options. But in already established relationships, when lived together for a year, three or ten years.
What is it with women in this case? Until then, until they are completely lost faith in men and not call them one of the traditional bad words, women hard “sort myself out”. Women first tend to think that with them something not so. And begin the long road to ensure that everything was “right.”
Women read special literature, visit specialists, participate in trainings and programs, listening to video lectures, sometimes are long-term psychotherapy. And, of course, apply all that they were able to learn, to master, to learn, to realize, to understand, to feel.
While the woman is busy this instrumental side of narabatyvaya skills “fellowship with men”, questions practically do not arise. Because in this case almost always there is hope that will learn more of this, and everything will be fine. Learn to be passive, learn to follow a man, learn to be sexy, learn to speak them compliments, you learn to ask so that men want to fulfill the request, learn to be a bitch to learn… In any “learn” the hope is that this is what is missing.
But the strongest breaking the women arises when someone or she asks the question: “why do you do it? Why did you learn all this?”
She usually rounds up his eyes and said: “why, why? I want in my life appeared a man.”
And if you ask her: “why do you want in life man?” the answers may be different, but they all boil down to the General formula: “And what else? After all, it’s women’s happiness “would be cute next.”
After these issues for some women it can begin the true path to understanding yourself and your needs. A lot of questions starts to wander in the female head:
— What I want to be with a man, to be married — it’s actually my need, or is it a tribute to the habits and stereotypes of society?
— Maybe I just feel inferior, flawed, due to the fact that I have no men, or due to the fact that I “not the man”?
And if so, why do I need to connect my sense of well-being to the man, his presence or absence, is in accordance with some framework and templates, such as height, weight, social status, size of wallet, car and other important components, liability and other criteria on the “list”?
For a long time the success of women was strongly related to her marital status — for whom she is married, successful and wealthy as her husband, what is the status of her family in society. In this case we are not talking about decades, and even centuries. Thousands of years between the social world and the woman stood a man, opening up additional possibilities for survival and well-being.
And the fact that now it is not, does not change until our habits from generation to generation was fixed and turned into a “natural behaviors”. Women continue to feel themselves on the “fair of brides” where they can become an attractive “prize” for men. May or may not be. And no matter what time has changed, that male and female roles and the myths about them now undergo enormous changes, but to shake the feeling yourself in this “fair” for many women is very difficult.
Myths about relationships, to which we are accustomed
It is obvious that:
Women are more interested in relationships than men, so women need to make more of an effort to get the man, one that would “match”.
It is also clear that:
Men in relationships — consumers, and their need to constantly please, and that means you need men to become the best mom in the world.
It is also clear that:
Men primarily want sex. In most cases, only sex and need. Ah, so the man must constantly seduce and the more cleverly and subtly, the more chances of it to keep around.
No doubt that:
Men need to constantly “wisely to sum up” what women want. The wise woman will never speak directly about what she wants and what is needed and make the case so that the “near men” there is a sense that this is what he came up with and decided.
It’s so obvious!
But what we find under such familiar to us clearly?
In the psychology of transactional analysis is the concept of orders, which we accept as solutions in their tender childhood. Taken in childhood decisions affect our entire life, our relationship to ourselves and the world.
“Don’t be important” — the main ban for women in relationships
If to consider carefully all the myths, patterns and stereotypes, which largely control the space relationship between a man and a woman, thenlaid the impression that women of our culture a sound of bells sounds the whole “Not be Significant”.
He constantly sounds as if hypnotizing the woman:
“You’re not important in a relationship. Important man. Important it needs. Important his desires, his needs are important.
Want you was a man? Then move yourself and do to satisfy him. Feed him, care for him, pleasuring him.
Seduce him, to satisfy him in sex, pretend like you’re okay, even if it is not. Shout it loud, so he had no doubt that he is a big lover! Nothing to ask directly! You have no right! Nothing to tell right! You have no right!
Be wise! It means pretend and lie. At least until he gets used to you, you can’t do without you and eventually marry you! And then you can relax a little”
The more advanced a woman is, the less clear the text. But it is still there! It sounds in a milder and more modern form. And it certainly affects how a woman feels in the relationship.
What often results? The woman automatically resets itself at the entrance to relationships. She does a lot of what we don’t want to do constantly. Thus, it shows man that it is “not important” in the first place, “it is important”.
How do you think the man find it hard to believe? Not at all! Believe it is very easy and tempting. Accepting this is very nice. Time passes, and the efforts of the women runs out, she wants to return. So, we need to demand the bills. But right is do not! It is necessary to apply all these female things — resentment, tantrums, claims…
Women have learned to skillfully tell the men at the entrance to relations that they, men, are important. What their needs first. And women created in order to meet these needs.
And this happens without direct statements and words. It is actions, actions, silence, harmony and anything else.
I remember once in one of my groups had one woman of thirty years, which is terribly worried that the man with whom she lives, is not taking any initiative to marry her. In addition, he does not react to what she wants of the child. She talked about the fact that it is difficult to discuss it with him. She can’t talk about the baby and marriage. And that it lasts for several years. And she doesn’t know what to do and how to influence it.
In the group was another woman — a lady of venerable age, which at that time had long lived in Germany. She listened to the stories of a young woman, and then suddenly said, “that’s just Like our women. German women are much easier about this. They won’t waste time on a relationship in which there is no response to their needs. A German at the entrance to the relations said: “I’m looking for a serious and long-lasting relationship, as are going to have a family and a child. If family creation is not included in your plans, let’s not waste neither yours nor my time. If included, then let’s try, maybe we would be good together and we after some time will be able to create a family.” And yet, they do not worry and do not bother. And they don’t take into your account that men can have other plans, and he may not want to start a family. It’s his thing, in the end”
Not only in Germany women have learned immediately on entering into a relationship to be honest about their needs. It occurs throughout Europe and North America. Largely due to the feminist movement, largely due to the active inclusion in all social processes, women have admitted the fact that they are IMPORTANT AND SIGNIFICANT. In relations with men including.
“I have value. My needs are important”
Women in our culture need raskoldovat. It was time to admit and accept their own importance. To allow and accept the importance of their needs, wants, and goals in relationships with men.
Allow yourself to feel your needs and act in harmony with them.
If you like to cook for yourself if you like to cook, do it with pleasure and for men. But don’t pretend mistress-klopotoski just because you think you need it man.
If you like string of pearls, sexy stockings and a revealing neckline, if YOU like it, makes YOU happy and enhances YOUR libido, rejoice in it and enjoy. Let’s not make this masquerade just to impress a man. If you yourself can’t stand all these stockings, sheer babydolls and seductive lingerie, ‘t go anywhere around the house naked and have some fun with it.
If you aspire to a long lasting relationship with a man and want to start a family, speak openly about it. Not embarrassed, not afraid, not afraid! After all, it’s your desire, your need. Let a man sincerely to respond to it. If marriage is not part of his plans, no doubt, he will give you to understand. And it’ll be great. In any case much better than if you were pretending, pretending to be you all’s marriage to anything, secretly wanting him passionately, and hoping to “somehow cleverly to bring it to the Registrar’s office”.
And remember to say that you want to start a family (or that you are not going to get married), does not mean that you “drive in a relationship”, “play a leading role”, “push man”. It only means that you are honest with yourself and with him.
If you are not going to give all of myself to the family and become a housewife, report it directly and immediately. But don’t pretend that you are willing to do anything for the family, hoping that in the future, “somehow everything goes and works out.”
If you are okay with yourself, you will be fine and with other people — men, women, friends and loved ones.
If sensitively respond to their needs, know them and accept that they’re MEANINGFUL AND IMPORTANT, then leaves the need to lie, pretend, cheat and dissemble. Instead, freedom comes. Freedom to be yourself. The freedom to love another without hurting yourself. Freedom to be loved, not hurting yourself. The freedom to create the kind of relationship which is good for everyone!