It is unlikely you will hear the best advice on your marriage.
He handles complex divorce process for more than 20 years, but here’s how to avoid his services, informs Rus.Media.
If you want your car worked without problems, don’t wait until it does crumble – call mechanic. If you don’t want to accidentally flood your neighbors, it makes sense to talk to a plumber right now. Why? Yes, because people who are dealing with broken things, more than others know how to follow them in order not to lead to breakage. Says James Sexton, the same goes for divorce lawyers.
In his new book, “If you’re in my office, for you it’s too late” an experienced lawyer, who has more than 20 years engaged in the divorce process, shares tips about what you need to do in order to never need his professional services.
To the advice of a man who many times thoroughly dismantled the causes of family disintegration, at least worth considering. So, probably, if you wanted to strengthen your family, you hardly would speak to this person for advice, but if you think about it, perhaps you should do just that.
Love fizzles first, “very slowly, then instantly”
If you ask people from your environment to name the most common causes of divorce, it is likely you will hear something about serious conflicts between people who are married – infidelity, financial disagreements, sexual incompatibility, different views on the future and more.
Sexton confirms that people are most likely to appear in his office due to these serious and often intractable problems in family life. But he insists that it is not they are the true reasons for the collapse of marriages.
“In my opinion, these large and intractable problems are only the end results of many other seemingly small and insignificant mistakes, choices and decisions, which repeatedly alienates people further and further away from each other,” says the Sexton.
He adds: “In the book Tom Wolfe’s “the Bonfires of the vanities” one of the characters affect the theme of his bankruptcy, and one of the other characters asks him, “Tom, how did you go bankrupt?”, to which he answers: “Well, I went bankrupt in the same way as all first very slowly and then instantly. I believe that this is the way marriages fall apart. Very slowly, and then instantly. It’s like a tiny crack in a dam, which not notice, until it breaks and the water falls on unsuspecting people.”
What kind of “small cracks” he has in mind? “That’s the face when your partner is distracting you from the extremely interesting book or movie, as you repeatedly ignore him when he needs you, all the times when you don’t give him your full attention, even if he tells you something very important… It is the small cracks that with time can turn into a huge hole in the dam of your marriage,” he says in one of his interviews.
People usually see only the last dramatic stage of the process (negative or positive), not noticing how far back its roots go.
Love is an action, not a static state
Love is an action, not a static state of eternal happiness, which is enough to achieve once, and it will stay with you forever. Love, like all other really good things in our lives, we need to achieve and work on it constantly.
Success cannot be achieved in one day. And you can instantly get in good physical shape, as if you do not like. Moreover – if you want to become successful and they stay, you need to work through and after the goal.
So why, love, marriage and even its collapse should be the exception? Almost all big goals are achieved gradually, in tiny steps, with pauses and interference. And this process sometimes takes months, years and decades.
Sexton offers couples a very short Council. Here it is: “Love is a verb.
“I consider myself a romantic, but I don’t believe in fairytales. I believe that modern culture creates in most people, to put it mildly, not quite true idea of what love is. Love is not a noun stationey. Love is a verb, says Sexton. – Love disappears very slowly. It is a gradual process, as, for example, a set of excess weight. Never so that, waking up in the morning, you are horrified to realize that since the day you gained ten extra pounds. You accumulate them slowly but surely, and the end result is the same – unsightly folds on the sides. The same happens with love – it can melt like a piece of ice, until one day you will understand that it is nothing left”.
And not to let my love to dust just the same as not gaining weight, is actually very simple. It does not require you to dramatic gestures or heroic deeds. You only have to start to understand what big always begins with small things. You should pay close attention to them and act. Not assent to any situation, if only to avoid the necessity of choosing not to fight over the little things (believe me, the way your bathroom towels are folded, – not the most important thing in life), and to always make the first move in times of conflict.
In other words, you must always remember that love is a verb. Action. Process.
“So, if you want your love was a living, you need to pay attention to all the little things that you usually don’t notice. If you find yourself capable of it, believe me, you will never have to enter the door of my office,” concluded Sexton.